He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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