I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
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Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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