remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"