if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
