My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
