So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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