Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
