My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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