Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
