Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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