i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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