I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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