You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
