You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
