Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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