I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
