Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
