Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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