I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
