She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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