Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
