Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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