i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
