I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
