these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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