he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
