I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
