Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
