did you get engaged???
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
