she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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