dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
