I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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