Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
