OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
