it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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