i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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