SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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