One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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