My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
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I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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