I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
