My liver just broke up with me...
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
