the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize