we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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