I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
