Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
