did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
