Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize