she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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