1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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