i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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