i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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