Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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