Is it normal to miss your booty call?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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