Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
